Four years since my mother passed on

I did not take this photo. I don't know who did. It was someone who wanted to preserve for posterity a familiar sight on the UMM campus: Mom taking care of business for the campus post office which she managed. She was known to have such a swift "gait." Mom and Dad were on board with U of M-Morris right from the outset of the "adventure." It continues apace today, maybe facing a headwind or two. But the focus is always on the future. The Ralph and Martha Williams Fund assures we're always attuned to the present and future of the "jewel in the crown." Is that expression still promoted? I think it's better than "in the middle of somewhere."

 

Today (Sunday) ought to be a somber occasion for yours truly: the fourth anniversary of my mother Martha's passing. You might suggest that I overlook the sadness of the occasion. Instead, be inspired to remember Mom from her more robust years. In theory I accept that. But I developed a particular type of closeness with Mom in the last three or so years of her life. 

So it's that phase of our relationship that sticks in my mind. Toward the end, she was at her best at around 9 or 10 a.m., soon after finishing her morning cold cereal. Mom and Dad both emphasized cold cereal as their breakfast habit. I was the one who gravitated toward the hot breakfast. Once Mom finished that, she sat in her standard chair and was very much "herself." She was mostly calm and alert. Her mental state was better than what you probably associated with her. 

Some people said after her death that this was one of those deaths that might be considered a "blessing." I'm not mad at anyone who thought this. She could seem distressed and disoriented later in the day. It was Vicki Dalager who taught me the term "sundowning." Apparently it's common. Toward the end of the day, the person can become rather unhinged. So, Mom could be that way but it was a different story in the morning. It also helped that she was in her own home surroundings. 

Most likely I erred in bringing her out into the public so often. I have always been the kind of person who has trouble letting go of habits. I wanted so much for life to go on just as it had. I wanted so much for us to just make our usual cherished rounds. We all end up with regrets when all is said and done. We look back on our lives and realize we could have made some decisions better. 

My parents both became very delicate. They were both close to ending up in a nursing home, I know. Dolores Lammers told me before my father's passing (in 2013) that both my parents would be in a nursing home if it were not for me. It was nice to hear that. 

A caregiver can be put in tense situations. Had I been more prudent, I probably should have insisted to Mom that I take complete charge of the family's finances. This would have saved her stress, which she was very susceptible to. She had a heart attack after reading an article in the Star Tribune about how you have to keep an eye on your "signature cards" at banks. 

It is so easy for any of us to think in hindsight, about my Mom, to just sit her down, look her in the eye, exercise common sense and say "don't worry, relax." If only it had been that simple. To this day I wonder why that approach could not have worked. Well, "you had to be there." You had to know Mom, especially how she was in the last chapter of her life. But she always had those inclinations. 

At a certain point I started sitting in the doctor's office with her. Her doctor said to her one day: "Sometimes I think you worry about what you're going to worry about next." 

My mother had an unreasonable fear of medical intervention. I'm sure the fear sprang from when she was very young and people died younger. Medical intervention in those days was so often a prelude to death. Then of course we had all the medical miracles for treating things come along. 

My mother was obstinate about getting a mammogram. I was the one who eventually pushed for that. Obstinate as my mother was, I was probably the one person who could get to her and get her to re-think. I actually postponed the mammogram for a short time, because I went on the Internet and read skeptical stuff about the procedure. But then I realized something had to be done. I knew what the result would be. We got a letter saying that "something anomalous" turned up. How's that for delicate language? 

A young Martha holds "Teddy"

I brought Mom to SCMC for surgery with Dr. Sam. I was not allowed to be consulted. I suppose the question was how radical the surgery would be. And I suspect the medical people would not want to contradict Mom's wishes, even if she did have mental stability issues. I'm sure the surgery helped prolong Mom's life. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for at the time. 

Of course I can wonder if the diagnosis should have been sought sooner. So we're into second-guessing again. I am familiar with so many breast cancer stories that ultimately have sadness. Could it be Mom was better off not getting "cut open" sooner, and then being subjected to all the follow-up that is prescribed? Well I don't know. Nobody could be sure on this. 

But Mom was just a month shy of age 94 when she passed on that spring day of 2018. It was five years after Dad passed. They are together with their names on our family monument at Summit Cemetery. I made sure that a cross symbol was put on the monument. Fergus Falls Monument came through quite nice. The cross is part of a decoration that has their date of marriage. Mom and Dad are together in heaven too. 

Mom said when our dog "Heidi" died, "she's in a better place now." Mom probably felt our mortal existence had more than its share of pain. She was a young girl during the Great Depression. Mom and Dad were perfect examples of the kind of people that came out of the Depression. Let's say they knew the value of a dollar. To a fault, I'd suggest. 

 

Effort to compensate

Just in case my father had a reputation as a skinflint, I set up the Ralph and Martha Williams Fund to benefit music at the U of M-Morris. For years I had heard about the Clyde Johnson Scholarships. That gnawed at me, so I pushed forward with the initiative to do likewise on behalf of the Williams family name. 

So today, April 24, we'll have a UMM music concert involving band and choir. I might say "symphonic winds" but I'm always reminded of Spinal Tap's "Break Like the Wind" tour. 

But why is today's concert in Alexandria? From an email I shared with a friend this morning:

 

My main reason to email you today, was to inform you there's a big UMM symph. winds and choir concert today (Sunday). Oh, but it's IN ALEXANDRIA. Holy s--t. I suppose I could write a blog post about this. But I'm getting sick of having to complain about so much, seriously. I have heard a couple rumors about this: 1) UMM wanted to use concert hall but was told "no" by the school, and 2) UMM has decided it doesn't want to use concert hall because it just accentuates how UMM doesn't have its own decent facilities. OK, so we have a too-small recital hall, but we have the cavernous hallways of the HFA building. The building was designed when avant garde ideas were all the rage. Don't do anything that is just logical or practical, be attention-getting, like with the science auditorium (the best example).

Maybe performing in Alex is based on PR or outreach. IMHO the choir is having a down year with its numbers and quality. I know others think that. (Name withheld) emailed me after the choir's concert at the conclusion of its tour.

So the concert for Jim Carlson will be in October? "In lieu of" the jazz fest? No it isn't, because the concert isn't even in the current academic year. There will be nothing like the jazz fest in this academic year. Is it so hard to pull something off? Man, I get a terrible reputation saying all these things!!!!

(Name withheld) got some info for me re. Big Cat Stadium, and (this person) says that the high school softball team does in fact have access if needed. But is UMM truly cooperative on this? Here's a theory: maybe the high school wanted to use the place, encountered resistance, and then the high school retaliated by saying "no" on the concert hall. I didn't come to town on a turnip truck.

 

The games go on

Last night (Saturday) I was at the Dairy Queen and encountered an MACA softball player in uniform, and she told me the team had played three games that very day! Three games! A bit much, I would suggest. 

I later walked out to the softball complex grounds, where I believe no games have yet been played this spring. Muddy, mushy ground. And the setup is so bad for fans anyway. I was recently delighted to get an email from an MACA parent who I did not know. This person communicated because of my blogging which so often gives attention to school sports. 

The fact I would get this feedback means, in case there was any doubt, that I continue to be a viable journalist in Motown. Maybe even respected. So this parent contacted me with an email that was mostly positive. I think this person would want me to cut a little more slack for the people developing the softball complex. We must always allow for future improvements or corrections. 

There, I inserted the word "corrections," implying that remedial actions are called for. Well, we'll just see. The City of Morris gave money to this project with no input into how things were done. Let's vote off all the city council people. We need people with a more objective, intelligent eye, n'est-ce pas? 

Cute that the sender addressed me as "Mr. Williams." Here is a portion of that email I received. It was sent on March 27.

Our girls have overcome adversity, learned to work as a team, and learned perseverance. It has kept them out of trouble on the weekends, kept them in shape, and taught them to play a tough sport. Have you ever tried to pitch a softball underhanded at top speeds while still maintaining accuracy? I have and I am terrible at it. It still baffles me how these softball pitchers do it. 

So, let’s get Wanda to bring the band out and bridge music and sports for the first home opener and let’s embrace our new Holmberg Field Complex. A field of dreams is not built on the facility. It is all about the memories. Hopefully we can have some success along the way too. 

Thanks for blogging. I often “google” you up to see what you have to say today. I am always amazed that your underground sources are pretty accurate. Good detective work. Maybe you can give the writers at the Hancock Times I mean Stevens County Times some pointers. Thanks for the coverage.

 

A nice little "emoticon" was at the end! I was happy to send a response email, a portion of which is below: 

 

So, where to begin? I couldn't help but pay a lot of attention to the softball complex because my regular walking route goes right past there. I would often watch part of a UMM game because I was passing by there. The long-established UMM field has a low enough fence that most people can watch from over it if they choose, and get a very good view. 

As for the softball complex, I started checking that place out before the first game was played there. So, I could easily anticipate the problems they were going to have. For fans sitting on the first and third base sides, it's hard to see through the fence. Your chair might be on muddy ground. As for the aluminum bleachers, only the very middle section provides a view of the whole playing field. I am concerned that fans from out of town, especially those that might not bring their own lawn chairs, are going to be upset. Last year for the sub-section games, I felt sorry for the person charging admission from a table because fans were sprinkling in from all directions. I walked over to behind the left field fence, then noticed that she was staring at me, so I left. Maybe it was Lenora Waddell. Anticlimactic for the Tigers to lose twice on the same day. And we were No. 1 seed. Well, that's sports!

So lately I have made an issue of whether the MACA softball program has access to Big Cat Stadium. The Cougars have been playing games there. I was very surprised to see that, and then I discovered the place is actually perfect. It's no problem setting up the playing field to satisfy softball, and fans have it super-great up in the bleachers. I'm sure the players love being there. Big Cat is supposed to be 50-50 with the high school and college.

After I had scouted the complex last spring, I knew exactly what was going to happen when games started. I knew parking would be a thorny matter. I knew fan seating issues would be noticed quickly. All of this was borne out, and then Mr. Ekren made a public statement about the safety issues in connection to parking. People will not feel that my complaints are so trivial if someone actually gets hurt out there. And then Supt. Ferguson, when he was here, went on the radio to say "do we really need so much parking?" Well, I answered in my blog "yes." If he argued we didn't, I would suggest that it's only because organizers don't have the money, it's not because of a reassessment. But Ferguson made it sound like it was a re-assessment, so I might suggest it's a case of lying. These are important matters.

Looks to me like lots of work remains to be done on the place. The diamond of the old UMM field is supposed to be moved to the opposite end, so it's next to the pressbox. That will require considerable work. If the organizers don't have money raised yet, it's problematic because we're dealing with inflation and continued problems with the supply chain etc. 

Aren't there supposed to be lights around the new field(s)? Paid for by the funeral home? I know I saw that news item: $15,000. I don't notice lights around the new fields yet. One theory I have is that local authorities will not allow night games until the parking is addressed better, because this business of cars parked all up and down Prairie Lane is going to spell real safety issues at night. Well, go ahead and don't listen to me, but if someone gets hurt?

I suppose I'm harassing people in charge of the project but they've been given lots of public money.

Not sure how much longer I can blog well about certain Tiger sports, because my info sources are becoming more limited. For years I relied on info in the West Central Tribune a lot. That has really dried up now. Jackson Loge isn't even on All Area team, because they've lost interest in us. The Morris newspaper, in addition to the Hancock issue you mention, has a website that is frankly worthless - it's just presented as a "teaser" or contact site. And as far as relying on the newspaper's print product, it's only once a week so there goes your timeliness. Most newspaper sites strive to have more value than theirs. My friend Randy Olson of the Bonanza Valley paper simply started his own blog, years ago, which has zero cost for him, and he simply uses the blog as an extension of what the newspaper does. So he'll run sports items and photos regularly there.

My goodness, it's snowing as I type this!

You've probably noticed the tree stumps at the softball complex. People will have to be careful not to drive over them. I might say "what a mess." Well, I WISH it was better. I originally envisioned something far more impressive, like with sidewalks. Well, we got the concert hall at the school, so these things can happen.

 Again, thanks for your email. I call this feedback "fan mail from some flounder" (the old line from the "Bullwinkle" cartoon).

 

Also pertinent here is an email I shared this morning with one of my UMM compatriots. We keep an eye on relevant stuff, whether the stakeholders appreciate it or not. Actually we are stakeholders. I saw this gentleman at the Willie's "cafe" this morning, with a little coterie who I once saw at McDonald's regularly on Sundays. So I asked if they'd switched away from the golden arches due to our restaurant being reluctant now to serve patrons at the counter (as opposed to drive-through). 

They responded "yes." What a calamity for Morris, and maybe an inquiry should be placed with "corporate" about whether this is an approved practice. I suspect it may not be. 

I invite you to read a portion of this email I sent on this very blustery (crappy) Sunday morning in late April.

Lousiest spring I have ever seen. Main problem most days is the wind. High school sports must be next to impossible. Even when they do play, it has to be miserable. I saw a Tiger softball player at the Dairy Queen last night and she said the team played three games that day. That's excessive.

I walked out to softball complex and ground was very muddy. I don't think a single game has been played there yet this spring. The thing is only about 1/4 completed, based on the original plans, but maybe they don't want us to look at the original plans any more. If I had been a donor, I would feel royally ripped off. (Name withheld) never came to me about that. Maybe (this person) knew I'd be a skeptic. Fred Switzer gave a big check. I wish he had cared this much about Tiger athletics when he was the supt. 

I remember Merlin Beyer coming to my office once and we talked about all the buck-passing that went on in school administration. I think they were just hamstrung by social networks, coaches and their cliques around them. And that's one thing I started speaking out about, which is why I almost got tarred the feathered.

I encourage you to just drive over to the softball complex and observe sometime. Notice all the tree stumps. I think it's a shame all those trees were cut down.

 

Martha, as I will always remember her

RIP

Please remember my late mother Martha on this day, April 24, 2022. She was so high-profile on the UMM campus as she made her rounds for the campus P.O. which she was in charge of. 

At the reception held for her retirement, I only showed up at the very end. For most of my life I was concerned about being seen too much with my parents, as there was a stigma about adult children living with parents. I don't sense so much of a stigma these days, if any at all, about this lifestyle or really any other lifestyle. 

I also don't give a rip if a certain person is "unemployed." There used to be shame associated with that. Now it's just a survival game for all of us. 

If you can use a job to live your desired lifestyle, all the more power to you. If you can get by somehow without working, I'm certainly not going to pass judgment on you. No one else would seem to want to pass judgment either. 

"Live and let live." If only this had been the credo all through the years.

I was once the target for open antagonism from some, like the ad manager at the Morris paper. So unfortunate. Today we all realize that "extended generation" families have benefits for all. The aging parents get needed assistance. The family can live in an economical arrangement. Some of us might sometimes appear to be "lazy." Well, let's all just chill out! I think we have. Productivity is not so connected with "sweat" any more. It's about being smart.

 

Toodles,

Brian Williams