Family at the core of who we are

From left: Martha, mother Hilda, Edwin and Mildred

The phone rang one evening about three days after my mother died. "Brian? This is Debbie."
It seemed surreal because this was someone with whom I had not communicated since the mid-1960s. She's my first cousin, daughter of my late aunt Mildred who was Mom's sister. The story of Debbie's family was, shall we say, complicated. The marital relationship of her parents got severed. Even though Mildred seemed stable in all respects, no dysfunction or vices that I know of, the kids ended up going with the father.
I could try to venture an explanation but there's no point in going there, not after all this time, and after all I was just a naive kid when all this happened. There's nothing more boring than to read an attempted explanation of a marriage breakup, n'est-ce pas? So forget it.
Let's just say that in the year 2018 A.D., I'm delighted to have some renewed contact with my cousin Debbie. She lives in Hawaii. Yes, seems enviable, but that state has been ravaged by acts of God, e.g. a volcano. During a period of duress there, my cousin Kenny told me Debbie was at a Red Cross shelter. Kenny told me he suspects Debbie really has a subsistence lifestyle in Hawaii, although that would still be the envy of most people, sans crisis.
Kenny is the brother of Debbie. They are among five total children born to Mildred and Albert Dueis. Mildred eventually got re-married to a very nice man who was a native of Hawley, Ray Riedberger. They settled out in Oregon.
 
A memory that endears
Mildred occupies a unique place in my heart because she was the only person outside my parents to remember my birthday through every year. My birthday is January 28 which is today (Monday). She sent a card every year with a warm message. Mildred and Ray lived for a long time at a remote place in Oregon called "The Dalles." We communicated by phone every 3-4 months. Ray and I often chatted about the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. He had a trademark remark, "oh for garsh sake."

The Ohlson children: Martha, Edwin,Mildred

I was surprised when Mildred stopped calling Ray to the phone. She claimed it was because Ray was getting hard of hearing. This was a little white lie because Ray was coming down with symptoms of dementia. What a scythe our Lord wields with this malady. God created us so that our bodies and minds can break down so badly in our advanced years. Medical science seems to make this worse, in a sense, because yes it keeps us alive longer, much longer in many cases, but then we develop serious chronic issues as time rolls on. I talked with a local minister who said he once went through archives of another church in his synod, and he was struck by how so many people died of natural causes when relatively young.

The problem caught up with my aunt Mildred. She was living at the Dorchester House in Lincoln City OR after Ray's death. She came down with esophageal cancer. She ended up in home hospice at the residence of her step daughter Jan and Jan's husband, the Killpacks. The last time Mom and I called her, we were informed she could not take the phone. I left a message with Mr. Killpack, "tell Mildred we love her very much," and it was shortly after that that she died.
I am not aware of any obituary ever having been prepared for her. I imagine that would have been uncomfortable due to how her first marriage should be acknowledged and reported on. Whatever else you want to say about that marriage, it produced five children.
After many years of no contact between the children and my family, Dianne showed up at our front door one day during the '70s. Kenny has been the one seeking the most outreach to us. He and wife Susan came to Morris for my father's funeral. They got seated in the sanctuary just before the service, whereupon I tapped Kenny on the shoulder and told him they should join family in the Fireside Room! Kenny has indicated he wants to learn more about his mother's side of the family.
David visited us once in the 1980s. There is a photo of Kenny, David and yours truly that might amuse you, because we're all wearing the kind of tight-fitting shorts that were once fashionable for men! I might have that photo scanned and share it sometime.
If you're counting, I have now accounted for four of the Dueis children. There's Karl too, who we have not seen and about whom I know nothing. Their father Bert was a very talented artist who did some noteworthy Old West-themed paintings. How to describe his personality? I think volatile would be a word. Many highly creative people can have idiosyncrasies that are not helpful to them. There, have I phrased all that gently enough?
 
No hoopla at time of death
There was no funeral service held for my Aunt Mildred. Arrangements were simply with cremation. Actually this is what I had in mind for my mother when she died in April. I initially shared this with the funeral home representative, but then a mass email was sent out from UMM saying "funeral services pending." We did do cremation. I see no justification for the open casket reviewal. A service was held for Mom at First Lutheran, obviously very nice. I told the funeral home to increase the estimate for food needed, and I turned out to be right! God bless.

Mildred at our house for Christmas in 1965!

Mom's ashes are buried at our family plot at Summit Cemetery. Mom like Mildred had cancer at the end. Also like Mildred, Mom was under the care of home hospice. Mom was at risk for being placed in a nursing home permanently. I'm thankful she could spend her final days at her precious residence on Northridge Drive, Morris. She is with Mildred in heaven now along with her brother Edwin who lived a long and rich life out in California. Their parents were Andrew and Hilda Ohlson who were very devoted to Brainerd MN.
Hilda passed away at our residence in Morris in 1963, and her body was transported back to Brainerd for burial. I suspect the cost for that sort of thing is much higher now than in 1963!
I discovered the website for Evergreen Cemetery in Brainerd. I discovered an "Ohlson" who was unfamiliar to me. The "h" makes the spelling unusual so I immediately wondered if this person was somehow family. Well yes, she was. Her first name was "Johanek." Mom in a subdued manner told me that Johanek was my grandfather's first wife. The cemetery website informed me that Johanek passed away in 1920 at the age of 46. Andrew re-married Hilda who was much younger than him. In fact, my father was eight years older than my mother.
I will try to get more information about Johanek. Did she have children with Andrew? I just don't know.
 
Three children including Edwin
Andrew and Hilda began their family of three children: Martha, Mildred and Edwin. Edwin and his wife Doris had twin sons, Allan and Norman. Norman left us too soon for heaven, perhaps because of health issues he brought back from the Vietnam war. He was a decorated veteran and served in the Army with the C. D, 65th Eng Bn, 25th Inf. Div. He received the Bronze Star Medal of Heroism in 1968 for saving many lives of fellow wounded soldiers following an attack on the company.

My cousins, Mom's nephews: twins Norman and Allan, in 2004

Norman and Allen would be 71 years old today. Allan is still with us, as is mother Doris who is quite elderly but still seems lucid as shown in the correspondence we shared after Mom's death. I indicated to her what a disaster I felt the Vietnam war was. She readily agreed. My father always said Norman "probably had to kill some people" in Vietnam. Allan is caregiver for Doris just like I was with Mom.
There you have it: I have now accounted for all seven of my cousins on my mom's side of the family. I sent a Christmas email to my cousin Debbie in Hawaii and she warmly answered. She's my age. I sent her the link to my annual Christmas song! She said she was emotionally moved by the song. I was touched by how she signed the email: "Your cousin, Debbie."
Kenny says maybe someday the three of us can get together, most likely here in Morris. I don't plan on traveling much in the future.
I have never felt close to cousins on my father's side of the family, likely due to social distance caused by me being younger. The one with whom I keep the most contact is Bob Williams, formerly of Carlton MN ("bear country" up north) and now in the Twin Cities. We share warm correspondence about 2-3 times a year. His wife Marilyn has been through treatment recently for breast cancer, the same malady my mother Martha had.

Aunt Mildred at age 12

My mother had an assortment of health issues over the last few years of her life. I will never forget the details of how we dealt with all those. I will never forget the details of our day-to-day life over the last couple years, a time of challenges but also love. God intends for us to learn from all this.
 
Mom was exemplary w/ religion
My mother was very religious. She was religious in the healthiest way with no politics intruding. The latter has put a stain on Christianity, I feel. So bad, I have a hard time continuing to go to church. My mother was unruffled by the gay ordination issue in the ELCA. She would say it's appropriate for gay people to be accorded basic rights. The whole issue seems passe. How ridiculous for a whole new church in Morris, Good Shepherd, to be formed as a result of this issue. I hope it fades away.

My mother could not have related at all to the right wing religious politics of the likes of Franklin Graham and Robert Jeffress. She would be disgusted by it.
My parents voted Democratic but were not at all difficult or assertive in how they expressed politics. They were temperate and gentle people. Rest in peace, Mom and Mildred and other departed members of our families. Is my mom with her siblings or her parents, or with Ralph in heaven? Who knows but it's probably all of them.
I will be age 64 on Monday, January 28. I have already collected Social Security for two years! In a year I'll get my much-coveted Medicare card. Eureka!
My birthday will never be the same without getting the birthday greeting from Mildred.
Mildred Riedberger, RIP.
- Brian Williams - morris mn minnesota - bwilly73@yahoo.com
 
Addendum: One day when I was on the phone with Mildred, a Dorchester House worker named Julio came into her room to change a light bulb. After that I'd always conclude our conversation by saying "say hello to Julio from Minnesota."

With warmth of fireplace at our home: Raymond and Mildred Riedberger