Both my parents lived out their lives at our Northridge Drive residence. Both passed away at home with me very close by. Mom had a stay of about five weeks in a nursing home toward the end: in Barrett. Dad never stayed in a nursing home although looking back, he certainly had to have been considered.
I have abundant time to reflect now. I realize I was taking more risks than I realized - risks that something bad could happen to my parents where I might be suspected of negligence. People around age 90 become so frail and vulnerable. Dad was 96 when he died, Mom 93. Mom nearly made it to 94. So both of them did very well on balance.
I remember one day our church nurse called to sort of feel me out on how things were going. She wanted confirmation of whether my parents were getting enough to eat. Well without a doubt they were, so in a very relaxed way I tried explaining that to her. Mom got thin toward the end and it wasn't for lack of available food. At the very end of her life I was getting a chicken spread sandwich from the Willie's deli almost daily. I knew she would eat that, or at least half of it. She'd hand me the other half and I would object to no avail. So I'd finish it for her.
A diet with "variety" for Mom would have been ideal on principle. Only in principle. She avoided eating many things, for example ham. We'd be at a funeral where ham buns were served. I did get a little upset at her reluctance. I'd be thinking "Mom it's free food." But I had to accommodate her.
Both my parents liked cold cereal in the morning and that made my job pretty routine. Dad liked Raisin Bran while Mom had regular bran flakes. My parents were loyal to our now-defunct Morris Senior Citizens Center for many years. So that most certainly took care of lunch except for Saturday and Sunday. Soup and sandwiches often did the job for the evening meal. I liked to get canned pears and peaches too.
A throwback?
So we had a "church nurse" back then. I was questioning the need for such a thing even then. While I spoke pleasantly with this person, I was a little taken aback by the phone call. The only "nurses" we need are those working with our health care system IMHO. Nurses who come forward from churches can come across as busybodies.
Our home hospice nurse said of Mom that she maybe had a distended stomach. Mom did in fact have a variety of health issues which I guess should have concerned me, worried me more than they did. And I say that from the standpoint of looking out for my own interests. Not that that was top-of-mind. In fact I'm only realizing now that it was not a paramount concern of mine.
I realized that my parents would want to stay in our precious home indefinitely. I was able-bodied and able to look over them quite well. But nobody lives forever. Many of us break down in ways that call for extraordinary intervention. In Mom's case, five weeks or so at the Barrett facility. I was a little unhinged for some of that time, frustrated over how her condition had come to that, wondering what all I could do, if anything.
Resliience
Mom always claimed she was a "tough Swede." So I figure that's how she climbed out of that calamity and was able to come back home for a full year in fact. God bless Knute Nelson Home Hospice.
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| Dad as seen in UMM's first year |
But a wheelchair did eventually come on the scene, first for Dad and then after his passing, for Mom, who used to be "famous" for her rapid gate as she crossed the UMM campus doing business as the campus post office manager.
Ah, the days of mail before electronic communications! Imagine living without electronic communications. Young people might ask "how did you do it?" To which people my age say "we just did."
Our wheelchair was actually a "transport," the kind with the small wheels where someone else does the propelling. My father never took to a walker.
Mom lost strength after a bout of pneumonia. She lost mental sharpness at the same time. A loss of mental sharpness can show itself in many ways with variance of severity and consistency.
People who thought Mom's condition was really grave should have been around her at about 10 a.m. when she was pretty relaxed and lucid. Then I learned the term "sundowning." Because Mom quite definitely showed the condition, apparently common among the elderly: restlessness and unease toward the end of the day. Then in the tranquil morning, everything was quite fine. How exhilarating as I awoke to such mornings. Then the daily "routine" awaited.
I'm told that when you're in a nursing home, everything is on schedule every day like pill-taking. Same thing at every time each day!
I remember looking Mom in the eye toward the end of her stay in Barrett, asking her if she wanted to go home or to maybe stay longer. She most definitely responded "yes" on going home but at the same time, said she'd miss all the people at Barrett. I'd miss them too. But spending a lot of time in a nursing home is a difficult thing because of the deteriorating and precarious condition of so many. Well that's the way it is - that's why we have nursing homes. I have suggested that it's impossible to present a comfortable life for so many of these people.
My biggest concern about Mom staying longer in Barrett was that she'd refuse food because she had objections to so many kinds of food. The "variety" in the dining room was great in theory, not advantageous for Mom. I knew if I brought her home, I would carefully select certain food items where I knew the odds were high she would eat, like the chicken spread sandwiches from Willie's. And only half the sandwich. She would eat a Hostess cupcake if I offered it.
Inevitability
In the end despite our best efforts, our bodies do fail us. It's just a question of when and how. Caregivers take substantial risk because we'll have to answer for everything we did. Maybe I knew the risk but forged ahead anyway. So I figured "if you want to blame me for something, go ahead. I'll be at your mercy, I don't care."
The legacy
I keep the memory of my parents alive with a fund named for them at the University of Minnesota-Morris. Dad was a founding faculty member at UMM and was the only music faculty in the institution's first year. He directed the first-ever UMM concert which was at the Morris armory, where the public library is now. The concert was for Stevens County 4-H. Dad had the band perform his own "UMM Hymn."
The numbers for band were higher than what the institution expected.
We have a family scrapbook that shows Dad was really kind of a big shot in Twin Cities music in the 1950s.
For want of some pills
Mom and Dad could have gotten in trouble because they didn't supervise me well enough. They had a neighbor girl babysit me just once, as I recall. It was Janet Holt. There's a good chance she told my parents I was too much to watch over.
Today I would be put on behavior meds, no doubt about it. The kind of meds that basically work as a tranquilizer. But such pills weren't a common thing. We lived with each other's shortcomings more. In school the problem kids got "mainstreamed." Get them through the system and hope they can hold their own in the world that awaits.
Do I resent having been mainstreamed? Well I guess to an extent I do. But I did not get drafted and sent to Vietnam.
Signed, sealed, delivered
I recently added a thousand dollars to the Ralph and Martha Williams Fund at UMM. I shared an update on the Fund with a friend:
Warmed my heart yesterday to get a nice big envelope in mail "report on endowments from the U." Nice big sheet of paper headlined Ralph and Martha Williams Fund. So we are not forgotten. The principal value as of June 30, 2023, is $30,743. "This fund provides support to the Music Discipline at the University of Minnesota Morris to enhance the experiences and opportunities available. It was established to honor and extend the Williams family's deep ties to the U of M Morris community and generations-long belief in the importance of music."
Headwinds
I realize these are not hearty days for our UMM. Quite to the contrary based on available evidence. I feel the school can hang on if for no other reason than it serves the Native Americans.
The Williams Fund is devoted to music. So I certainly hope that aspect of campus life hangs on. But I do wonder a lot these days.
Hey, the public school too!
I try to be a benefactor for the public school music program too. I owe something to that. I was able to see the world at age 17 thanks to my involvement in music. Was able to perform at Royal Albert Hall, London, England, in summer of '72. It doesn't get more exciting than that.
I met with our high school band director Wanda Dagen Tuesday afternoon, supporting the planned spring trip with a $ contribution. My plan is to visit the school office on Friday to submit a 4-figure check. Looks like the destination will be New Orleans. I encourage others to chip in, reduce the burden on the kids some of whom might face $ stresses. If we can't help a project like this, what is there?
Wanda said the preferred destination might be Washington D.C. but a problem with that is the possibility of a government shutdown. So many Republicans in Congress (my comment).
Some people might think I'm contributing because I have some personal affection for Wanda. I can categorically deny that. Well, maybe not categorically.
Consider attending the MAHS school musical! Here's the poster.
- Brian Williams - morris mn minnesota - bwilly73@yahoo.com
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